The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now