uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”