The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.