Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Husband of the year 😂
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.