I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
this is 10/10 content no notes
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.