[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
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How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
i love modern commerce
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.