Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
This is so me 😂😂
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader