Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Fixed this for Shakespeare
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.