“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
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Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down