My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income