Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thenoahkinsey's best tweets

@thenoahkinsey : Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her "cupcake." How do they know what that is? This movie doesn't seem very realistic, you guys.

@thenoahkinsey: Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I'm mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it's only 1/3 full.

@thenoahkinsey: I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn't know where it was

@thenoahkinsey: If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

@thenoahkinsey: *forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

@thenoahkinsey: Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I've ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

@thenoahkinsey: *on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say "swipe left"?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

@thenoahkinsey: *therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

@thenoahkinsey: I don't have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

@thenoahkinsey: *phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER'S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*