[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
You Might Also Like
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.