babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Bringing home a sharpie
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Need WebMD
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.