Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
you stereotypes are all alike
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first