PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Krampus.
Saturday
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
saw this in a dream
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”