Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of tiemoose's best tweets

@tiemoose : [undercover as a mom] Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now Other moms: *narrow eyes* Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

@tiemoose: [walking home after date]

Date: it's getting dark. it's kinda scary. *winks* you'll have to protect me

Me: oh don't worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you

@tiemoose: date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don't eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that's it

@tiemoose: FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home i've ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home i've ever been

FRODO: wait no