Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of tiemoose's best tweets

@tiemoose : me: do you want to feel my face, i'm very handsome blind date: you do know i'm not actually blind, right? me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

@tiemoose: [stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn't too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

@tiemoose: am i a vampire? i :

- look great in black
- won't come to your home unless formally invited
- avoid natural sunlight at all costs
- will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

@tiemoose: [Dracula giving his son "the talk"]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula's son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

@tiemoose: [undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

@tiemoose: [walking home after date]

Date: it's getting dark. it's kinda scary. *winks* you'll have to protect me

Me: oh don't worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you

@tiemoose: date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don't eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that's it

@tiemoose: FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home i've ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home i've ever been

FRODO: wait no