A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.