[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.