Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of tigersgoroooar's best tweets

@tigersgoroooar : I'm trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

@tigersgoroooar: the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

@tigersgoroooar: If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.

@tigersgoroooar: sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

@tigersgoroooar: nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

@tigersgoroooar: Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@tigersgoroooar: me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

@tigersgoroooar: Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

@tigersgoroooar: gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

@tigersgoroooar: not to get all political on here but i'm pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.