@tigersgoroooar: sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.
@tigersgoroooar: nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
@tigersgoroooar: Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
@tigersgoroooar: me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
@tigersgoroooar: Good things to say after sex
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
@tigersgoroooar: not to get all political on here but i'm pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
@tigersgoroooar: waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
@tigersgoroooar: pretty cool how no matter what's going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.