@tigersgoroooar: hate when the barista asks "do you want whipped cream?" it feels there are only two answers: "yes please, i'm fat." or "no thanks, i'm fat."
@tigersgoroooar: Killer with knife to my throat: it's ironic how you're about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that's not really what ironic means.
@tigersgoroooar: Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I'm buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
@tigersgoroooar: just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
@tigersgoroooar: if you're in a sports bar but don't understand sports just keep repeating the phrase "damn they gotta get him the ball." everyone will agree
@tigersgoroooar: Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like "ok who did that"
@tigersgoroooar: Online guy: wanna chat I’m 9 inches
Me: i’m 5′8′‘ you would barely reach the middle of my shin how could we hold hands on our wedding day
@tigersgoroooar: If a boy put rose petals all over my bed I’d be like you’re cleaning this up I’m not cleaning this up