me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…