I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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What the dentist sees
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Merica.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Meanwhile in Canada…
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”