If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
WHO DID THIS?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that