The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.