Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Hot Hot Hot
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
stand with me against insufficient seating
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.