@topaz_kell: When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.
@topaz_kell: To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
@topaz_kell: [job interview]
Interviewer: "Do you have any questions for me?"
Me: "How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?"
@topaz_kell: The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
@topaz_kell: [getting murdered]
Me: "Could you please stop for a second?"
*gives murderer a Snickers
@topaz_kell: Throwing a grenade at someone who's taking a selfie is photobombing, right?