Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of topaz_kell's best tweets

@topaz_kell : I'm at my most "floor manager" when I'm falling down drunk.

@topaz_kell: When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.

@topaz_kell: To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

@topaz_kell: The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

@topaz_kell: [job interview]

Interviewer: "Do you have any questions for me?"
Me: "How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?"
Interviewer:

@topaz_kell: The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

@topaz_kell: Making a phone call that goes straight to voicemail releases dopamine.

@topaz_kell: Making a phone call that goes straight to voicemail releases dopamine.

@topaz_kell: [getting murdered]

Me: "Could you please stop for a second?"

*gives murderer a Snickers

@topaz_kell: Throwing a grenade at someone who's taking a selfie is photobombing, right?