@torrami: *walks into hospital carrying baby*
"What's your return policy on this thing?"
@torrami: A baby came out of my stomach and I was all "weird, I don't remember eating that..."
@torrami: Dragons aren't evil; they're just upset that they can't enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
@torrami: My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
@torrami: Tell her she's glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was
@torrami: Ladies: The "silent treatment" is not a punishment. Try the "sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment" instead.