Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
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I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.