Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I’m giving up for Lent.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.