ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Still my favourite meme.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)