Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.