me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.