I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
You Might Also Like
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do