[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
translated into Canadian
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.