[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.