Meow?
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m not lazy
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
They’re stuck in your pants?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl