No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
crying
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.