SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
*ernest hemingway voice*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
lol
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *