If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
So inspired right now.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I have obtained a hat
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
for all #parents out there
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.