I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
December birthdays be like…
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
The Book. The Movie.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.