My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.