I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.