The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Beware of fowl play.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.