@underchilde: Today we’ll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your girlfriend about weight gain.
@underchilde: Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it's a seance and you're dead.
@underchilde: [lying naked in bed]
Her: Tell me your fantasy.
Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.
@underchilde: If you buy a Mustang and don’t rev the engine at every red light, the bank will repossess it.
@underchilde: Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we're ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I'm nominating you!
@underchilde: If I tell you I'm "breaking out the fine china," I just mean the expensive paper plates.
@underchilde: I’m just going to keep telling people they’re pretty until someone offers to pay for my laser eye surgery.
@underchilde: According to my therapist, I should try dating a woman he isn’t married to.