Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.