Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
sleeping beauty
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.