Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of underchilde's best tweets

@underchilde : Me [at work]: I think I’m having a heart attack. My boss: Do that on your own time!

@underchilde: I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.

@underchilde: You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.

@underchilde: Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?

@underchilde: Sometimes I worry my girlfriend will get kidnapped and that reporters will want to talk to me and I won’t be wearing designer jeans.

@underchilde: [At neighbor's barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.

@underchilde: I compared thee to a summer's day because I hate summer.

@underchilde: A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@underchilde: Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.

@underchilde: [First Date]

Me: "So what do you like to do when you're not working?"

Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*

Me: "Me too!"