@underchilde: I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.
@underchilde: You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.
@underchilde: Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?
@underchilde: Sometimes I worry my girlfriend will get kidnapped and that reporters will want to talk to me and I won’t be wearing designer jeans.
@underchilde: [At neighbor's barbecue]
Neighbor: How would you like your steak?
Me: At my house with no any company.
@underchilde: A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.
@underchilde: Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
@underchilde: [First Date]
Me: "So what do you like to do when you're not working?"
Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*
Me: "Me too!"