Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of underchilde's best tweets

@underchilde : Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.

@underchilde: [First Date]

Me: "So what do you like to do when you're not working?"

Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*

Me: "Me too!"

@underchilde: There’s a manual somewhere that warns against scorning women, but when has a man ever read one of those?

@underchilde: Today we’ll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your girlfriend about weight gain.

@underchilde: Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it's a seance and you're dead.

@underchilde: [lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.

@underchilde: If you buy a Mustang and don’t rev the engine at every red light, the bank will repossess it.

@underchilde: Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we're ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I'm nominating you!

@underchilde: If I tell you I'm "breaking out the fine china," I just mean the expensive paper plates.

@underchilde: I’m just going to keep telling people they’re pretty until someone offers to pay for my laser eye surgery.