people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
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cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas