In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.