Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of upsidedowntrash's best tweets

@upsidedowntrash : [first day in a new house] Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

@upsidedowntrash: ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

@upsidedowntrash: [Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It's called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

@upsidedowntrash: You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

@upsidedowntrash: Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I've heard of him.

@upsidedowntrash: [carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it's in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: It's either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won't you love Tom Honks

@upsidedowntrash: [God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

@upsidedowntrash: Link: [plays 'Song of Time']

Zelda: No no that's all wrong! There's no E in that melody.

Link: [plays 'Song of Tim']