“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
She puts the hot in psychotic
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes