Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Pickled cat.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.