Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of usermcuserface's best tweets

@usermcuserface : (Knock) Do you have a minute to talk about the lord? Me: (doesn't say a word, just dances the Macarena without breaking eye contact)

@usermcuserface: Well if it isn't my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.

@usermcuserface: Tigger: according to this book, we're both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit

@usermcuserface: I'm breaking up with you. No, your paintings are not the issue!
Vincent van Gogh: (holding his severed ear) Is it the way I dress?

@usermcuserface: (Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Stabs it)
(Drops)
Damn it

- me trying to eat with chopsticks.

@usermcuserface: Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.

@usermcuserface: You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you're "banned for life" and "arrested".

@usermcuserface: I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.

@usermcuserface: Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@usermcuserface: How did you find me??
Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.