Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of usermcuserface's best tweets

@usermcuserface : A Canadian has a bad day: (Traps a goose, and casts a spell) Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@usermcuserface: Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every..
*gets tased*

@usermcuserface: No I don't want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don't have to sleep outside.

@usermcuserface: Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?

@usermcuserface: Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.

Oh shit...

@usermcuserface: Mary Lincoln: we're going to that play tonight, and that's final!

Abe Lincoln: ugh... how can this day get any worse?

@usermcuserface: Wife: It's not a chick flick!
Me: was the movie released in February?
W: yes.
M: are they standing back to back on the cover?
W: sigh.. yes

@usermcuserface: Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can't believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.

@usermcuserface: Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.

@usermcuserface: 10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh....trying to watch the game here Julie.