If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
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I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!