When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Lassie, get help!
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.